Kathleen, Queen of the Desert

Originally published in LLL of New Mexico’s Enchantment, Winter 1986

I almost drowned in a cave three years ago. It taught me a lot about leading and a lot about following.

I was the weak member of a party of three exploring a wild cave south of Carlsbad called Resurgence. It always has some water, but that day it had a lot. We got to a particularly deep section, and our leader called back to us, “It’s a little over my head, but just swim out and take the turn on the right.” The fellow behind him followed his lead and disappeared into the darkness around the bend. It was quiet as I stood there in the chest-deep water, my headlamp the only light. It was my turn. I didn’t move.

The instinct to wait for another part of cavers behind me saved my life. Although the two men ahead of me hadn’t had any trouble, a voice told me I would. When Pat and John, the woman and man behind me, caught up, I said, “I’m going to try this water passage and go up a tunnel to the right.” As soon as I stepped into the deeper water, I gasped. I was very cold and very deep, and I couldn’t see the tunnel where the others had gone. I turned around to my friends, flailing and choking from the cold water and the weight of clothes pulling me down. “Help me!” I cried, listening in terror to my own words. “Hold onto my leg!” Pat said. I found it and pulled myself to where the water was only up to my neck. John pulled me to higher ground. I walked to a ledge and sat down.

It was three days before I could relax enough to breathe normally. I had come so close to drowning all alone in the darkness that my throat tensed up every time I thought about it. The whole episode did teacher me two things: Leaders need to look back and supervise their followers, and a follower needs to trust her own instincts.

I trusted my leader in the cave. He neglected to consider how each of his followers would handle the situation in the water and only considered his own height, strength, and physical competence. He didn’t wait to see how we had done in the water, but went on ahead, absorbed in the new passage he was exploring.

As a La Leche League Leader, I think of this incident often. I can’t assume that what I say is clear or fits into the understanding of mothers, Leader Applicants, and members. They haven’t read as much or had the same mothering experiences or cared about La Leche League the same way I have.

As a spelunker, I learned that my instincts can be lifesaving. Followers have a duty to tell their leaders how they are feeling about something and whether what the leader says fits with their own abilities and state of mind.

As a La Leche League member and Leader, I need to trust my own instincts about what fits my family and my Group and what doesn’t. When I don’t agree or don’t understand, I need to speak up and voice my concern as a Leader in my town at my level of understanding. We should never expect mothers or Leaders to blindly follow as I almost did in Resurgence.

I almost drowned in a cave three years ago, and I’ve never been the same. I’m a better mother, a better Leader, and a better person for it.